It’s summer which means lots of fool folks gonna pledge their undying love under the belief that they are gonna live happily ever after. Now – don’t gets me wrong—I ain’t anti-marriage; but I want to be clear that it won’t be happy until after you understand dis-here knowledge that I’ma bout to share wit chu’.
After dis—don’t listen to not nere nuther person bout yo marriage lessin’ it’s the person you married to.
Yes, that’s the advice: mentally-block folks running dey mouths about what you should and shouldn’t do; what they would or wouldn’t do; with the same dedication and passion as this crazy-ass president of ours tries to block immigrants.
First of all, dey don’t know what in the heck theys talkin bout. When we gets married, the love is more overwhelming than common sense. 5 minutes without your Love seems like 5 days; so your mind can’t process time right. Forever sounds beautiful, instead of what it is… FOREVER: till one of y’all is dead (and some may say da dead one is da lucky one). It means those beautiful eyes you look into when you say your vows may one day have cataracts, will possibly need to wear glasses, may need to squint to see the menu when you are trying to go on a date and cause him to complain dat da lighting he used to think was romantic is now “too damn dark.” It means that you may move from changing your child’s diaper to changing his; to going to his company party to having to work at two companies to support the family because he lost his job; it means that the long nights of passionate sex until you both fell asleep may be replaced with long nights of 2-man spades or Netflix until one of you falls asleep on the couch with the dog.
The onliest thang that is guaranteed is dat ya’ll will go through some shit. Yep—all of ya’ll. Da ones who acts like dey perfect –dey done gone through some shit–Aunt Randi promises you dat. And most likely, you will grow and change; the world will change and you two will still be working out how to do forever – cause forever is a long-ass time.
Ya’ll is two unique chilren, who come from yo different families that is dysfunctional in some way and trying to manage a life FOREVER together (many folks can’t manage dey own-selves). It ain’t always easy and just like you all is different—the way you do your marriage will be different from eerbody else. You will need to customize and keep customizing a marriage that works for you two—only you two—not all the peoples who gonna try to tell you how it should be done (just get ready cause the ones who ain’t gots a husband, the ones who done had 5 husbands, the ones who is miserable with the husband dey wit, and da ones who have had a long-term fairly happy union are going to share their opinions). And whatever dey say is most likely wrong cause what did or didn’t work for some ain’t gots nothin’ to do with you, your man and yall’s forever.
Take—me- for instance: I like to travel—done it since I was a lil’ bitty thang. I couldn’t travel much when the babies was young—though I used to even pack em up and take em with me (still does). Now that they older—I done started to roll again mo wit my friends (cause guess what- you and yo mate most likely won’t like to do de exact same thangs). I be rollin’ everywhere which fo some reason makes folks think dey can roll up on me with dey thoughts:
Dey Say: Girl, yo man lets you travel like that?
I thinks: Let’s?! I’s grown ass woman. He’s a grown ass man. We discuss things we wants to do, but we don’t give each other permission.
Dey Say: My man would never allow me to travel like that
I thinks: That’s why me and yo man ain’t married. That’s why me and someone like yo man didn’t marry. Works for you—no way in hell would it work for me. And frankly—it wouldn’t work for my man. He likes a little space too and actually thinks I’m still fascinating all deez years later.
I know’d statistically, I had a 50% chance of being with my husband forever but I had 100% chance of being with me forever. I am going to respect my desires at least as much as I respect his. Lawd knows I done sacrificed a lot fo dat man; but I believe there is some room in dere for me too. For me, the idea of sharing a life together is a wonderful thang; the idea of sacrificing yo life and yo passions fo another is crazy to me. But that’s me—ain’t necessarily right for you or anybody else.
I never saw marriage as something that forced me to sacrifice who I am but was supposed to help me do me– even better and was supposed to help him do him, but better too. But some folks see thangs different. Some folks think that they mate is the beginning and the end of dem once they get married. And that’s okay–long as that works for dem. You understand what I’s sayin— Dey gotta do what works for dem— same thing may not work for me or you.
But I don’t say none of dis to folks when dey roll up on me. I let them talk, judge, advise; and then do exactly what works for me and my man. And dat’s exactly what you should do: create and do what works for you and yo Love. At the end of the day, dat’s the only two people who it gotta work fo’ …Forever.
My intention is for Black people to love themselves and each other. It sounds somewhat silly, I guess; but oftentimes my people are overwhelmed with negative images, bad news, and stereotyped characters about us. I’d like to flip that script. I’d like to remind us, as often as I can, how incredible we are. Read more