Drunk Aunt Randi
Denise leaned back and to the side of the booth, as if she were driving a tricked out Monte Carlo and bumpin’ Tupac. She raised her right eyebrow (a sign she’s about to say some dumb shit), focused her eyes on her cousin Rita, and asked, “Girl, when you gonna get yourself a man? Those checks can’t be keeping you warm at night.”
Yep, I ain’t lyin. She said it.
It’s not the first or even the 50th time I’ve seen someone questioning why someone is single—as if there is something wrong with it. The question, “Why are you single?” has become an indictment, carrying the connotation: “What’s wrong with you?”. Can we agree to stop doing this to each other? That ish ain’t sisterly or loving at all; and more importantly it’s ignorant.
Yep, I said it. I did. It’s IGGG-NOR-RANT!!
- A married woman is not superior to a single woman. Getting married isn’t an accomplishment. It doesn’t prove anything about you. Staying married, however is an accomplishment—but only if it’s an overall good marriage; cause staying in a bad marriage ain’t an accomplishment either — it’s a punishment.
- Some women don’t necessarily want to be married; and many more don’t want to be married enough to deal with who you’ve got. See, some of ya’ll married women think you are superior and that single women are jealous of you when many actually have pity for you (‘cause your man has been sliding up in their DMs, or they know that they been sliding up in other stuff, or he’s just trifling, or his breath stinks, or he has boobs bigger than theirs, or can’t keep a job, or whatever).
My belief is that some people really want to be married. And some people really want to be happy. And those two “wants’ don’t always intersect. Let me explain, because I know my happily married folk’s throats just got tight. Many marriages are good (I’ve been married for a long daggone time myself). BUT some people are simply married because they really want to be married. And some people choose not to be married because happiness is more important to them and they have yet to meet someone who makes them happy (or even happy “enough”).
Think about it for a minute: ain’t no creature on this earth more resourceful than a Black woman.
When a Black woman was given the innards and feet of pigs and the most bitter and tough of vegetables; she made them taste so good that master wanted them back and they are served in restaurants across the world.
When a Black woman couldn’t afford to go to the ritzy department stores or fancy spas for skin treatments; she bought tubs of coconut, shea, and cocoa oils and made her skin and hair glow so radiantly that now the spas are stealing this approach.
When Black women couldn’t afford to go to the professional salons, she and her friends became their own stylists: learned how to do everything from chemical treatments, to braids, to cuts.
Black women are the true masters of making a dollar out of fifteen cents. How many have raised successful children; after life’s circumstances pushed them way below the poverty level?
We make a way.
So when the media told us over and over and over again that there were no single Black men—that they were all either locked up, gay, or underemployed, or not employed, and so on, we did what we do—we made a way. We Sistas handled it in one of four ways:
- Some of us found a great man despite the statistics (that were excessively inflated, by the way).
- Some decided that they didn’t need no man and told everyone.
- Some decided that they were going to have a man by any means necessary and accepted men who treated them poorly. They tolerated everything and asked for nothing. Many men were trained that all they had to do was show up and get hard.
- Some women—most women—decided that while they would love to share their lives with a man, they wouldn’t wait for a man to make them happy. They got their Oprah-on and found their own happy. These women created lives that fulfilled and honored them.
And this is where the bough breaks. When a man who has been with the #3 type of woman tries to be with a #4 type of woman—thangs don’t work out. The #4 type of woman certainly wants a man, but she ain’t going to sacrifice her happy for him. Whatever man she brings into her life better enhance her happy like a Fenty Glow. Wand enhances her African cheekbones or she will wave her wand and make that troll disappear.
When one of the ex-boyfriends/husbands of type #3 thinks that he doesn’t have to date her, make her feel special, respect her, etc. (as she is willing to do for him), she moves on. Type 4 isn’t looking for someone to complete her; she is already fabulously and fully complete. She is looking to share her life with another complete person (and truth be told, she will deal with a fixer upper). Strong women see and respect potential (but #3 women settle for men who are not even pressed to tap into their potential because for so long they didn’t have to).
So, let’s stop treating single Sistas as if they can’t get a man. Maybe they just don’t want any man that they can get or have gotten thus far. There’s something strong and remarkable about a person that knows her worth; and cherishes her happy. Sure, they may want a partner, but not a MalcolmX “by any means necessary” type of partnership that will steal her joy. Stella ain’t always trying to get her groove back (she never lost it). Sometimes, life is so good that she is singing “Don’t disturb this Groove” (unless, of course, you are singing in the right key, my Brotha).
My intention is for Black people to love themselves and each other. It sounds somewhat silly, I guess; but oftentimes my people are overwhelmed with negative images, bad news, and stereotyped characters about us. I’d like to flip that script. I’d like to remind us, as often as I can, how incredible we are. Read more