Pop Culture 5 minute read

My Unsolicited Advice to Steve Harvey

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Steve! Steven! Steeb-beee! Harv-Dog, Boo-Boo,

I’ve got about 3 fans (2 of whom are family members) and only make 1% of the money you do, so I know that I got some nerve telling you how to do anay-thing.  But that ain’t never stopped me before.

You’ve got to chill Harv-Dog.  Anytime you are making news – first because you are rolling with Trump — and now because your staff memo was so bad that it’s competing with Trump’s headlines, you are making some very bad decisions.  You’ve gotta keep some of your fans loyal.  First you pissed off every Black person in America besides Stacey Dash, Clarence Thomas and Ben Carson (I heard even Stan Smith was a little peeved with you) when you met with President Trump.  You know that man was using your Black ass (literally) as a prop.  What in the hell kinda expert could you possibly be on government affairs?

But now you are going to piss of the White folks.  You are funny—absolutely. But what has made White people like you is that you are buffoonish.  You shuck and jive.  You play the dumb, clueless negro, the Buckwheat, the minstrel.  White people invest in characters like you.  You are a non-threatening man who presents Black people as unintelligent and beneath them.  It’s an old act, but it’s effective.  So, you’ve gotta keep that good ol’ smilin’ Steve persona.  White folks don’t like Negroes who seem as if they are getting too uppity (ask Obama).  They will deal with you and remind you of who you are and why you got there.  You need to be more Sammy Davis Junior, more Clarence Thomas-esque: play your role.

I’m going to tell you a tip my mother told me that I have found to be 90% true (there are always exceptions).  White people will help you, even root for you as long as you do not have more than they have.  The reason so many movies are made about White heroes that save the  orphaned Black kid, the urban Black school, the drug addicted Black person or crime-ridden Black community is because that makes them feel good (maybe it’s a slavery guilt-thing).  White people feel great when they are helping the poor, but talented Negro along.  Once you start acting like a diva — like you are equal – bossing folks around, they will try to knock you down a peg or two.  So chill out so you can just keep accumulating your stacks (quietly).

Don’t get me wrong, I understand why you are so tired and want peace from your co-workers. Don’t you have like 7 jobs?  I want to choke my kids out for asking for dinner on nights that I’m tired.  But, again I have some advice for you.  If you have some shit to say that you know is going to piss some people off – say it, don’t write it.  That letter has been passed around more than a Kardashian.  Once something is written there is irrefutable proof that you acted the ass.  If you had called a meeting and listed your demands, if someone complained, you could always deny or say that they misunderstood you.

Lastly, when it comes to your business affairs, stop listening to your wife.  I know she is the one who told you to write that daggone email because that’s some ish I would’ve done.  We women are nurturers and protective.  She saw how tired you were when you were coming home; she listened to you complain as she combed your mustache while you two were curled up on the lounge chair in your bedroom and she got heated: “Fuck that Steve!  You need to tell those people!  I’ve seen how they harass you!  It’s got to stop.  Do you think Oprah had to deal with this stuff?  What about Anderson Cooper!  Hell nah!” She’s a gangsta (for real . . . or at least she was married to two brothas now in prison).  And you trust her because she is your love. She is the woman who finally convinced you to stop wearing purple and mustard suits that were three sizes too big, made of rayon and that came as a four piece set: blazer, vest, pants, and fedora.  She did that! Continue to trust her fashion advice; but for some business matters, it’s best that you consult professionals who are less emotional and more practical about how to handle things.

Now I really wasn’t messin’ with you after the whole Trump thing, but I just felt it necessary to provide a little guidance when I saw you making a second huge career mistake with that memo to your staff.  Steve, you know we folks think that things happen in threes.  Let’s not let that happen.  Okay Boo?

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